Well, 2016 you are almost over ! And as I sit out here in my backyard surrounded by an overwhelming amount of crap with my boys sleeping soundly in their pram, it’s a perfect time to reflect back on the year that was.
To say 2016 has been a challenging year is an understatement. It’s fair to say, you have been the most emotionally and physically challenging year of my life. Throughout the year, you have provided endless challenges I could never have anticipated and delivered a surprising amount of pain and happiness and have been relentless in your ability to surprise and blindside me.
Bound to a hospital bed 12 months ago to the day, I should have then anticipated that 2016 you would be a devil of a year. I thought nothing could be more challenging emotionally than the first 2 weeks of the year. A mentally busy person, stripped from a busy job, social life and entertainment and forced to sit for what felt like and endless amount of time contemplating all my life’s decisions and regrets as I anticipated the arrival of my boys. But 2016, your challenges didn’t stop there!
You have shown me the extent of challenges parenting can be. You have shown me what it’s like to love so unconditionally it hurts. You have made me choose every day between 2 things I love equally and you have made me cry endless at not being able to give my 100% to both things I love equally. You have divided me, tested me and torn me. You have filled me with a sense of completeness and an overwhelming anxiety and fear of loss that is second to none.
You have proven that despite ones best efforts, others can destroy you. You have shown me that being nice and honest doesn’t win in life and you have proven that no matter how hard you work and how hard you try others are always there to beat you down. 2016 you have shown me the honest nature of my flaws. My over trusting personality, my self-doubt and my insecurities used against me and you have challenged me in every step this year.
So harshly you have shown me that everyone has their own agenda and that no matter how hard you try you will always let people down. You have shown me that no matter how hard I try, people will constantly let me down. You have highlighted my high expectations and have grounded me so often with your ability to take matters out of my control.
You have shown me what loneliness really is.
The rawness of isolation. The deep seeded pain of endless hours and days of nothing but quietness within my social life and my soul. You have reminded me that the happiest of times can be the most painful of times.
You have tested me and forced me to be defensive, protective and callous. You have pushed me to points I have never reached before and you have reminded me that life is a tough race to run.
Then you have added to this by taking away idols and icons. You have reminded us relentlessly this year that you do not discriminate. That fairness does not exist and that time is a burning candle ,only none of us know how far it’s melted.
But through all of this you have strengthened me…again. A person who has so tirelessly faced their share of difficulties, who at times wants to give up, has once again risen to your challenges and risen above your wrath. You have shown me a new strength. An ability to be confident in myself. To dispel of others displeasures, incessant wants and needs and to stay strong to my individual beliefs, wants and needs.
You have forced me to walk alone, and through that you have shown me who is really there to walk by my side. You have stripped me down but you are building me back stronger and more balanced than before.
Mostly, through pain, loneliness, bullying, isolation and physical pain, you have shown me what is really the most important thing. You have allowed me to strip away everything and re-focus on the most important things to me and you have given me the strength to now guide them through their lives, challenges and build them a future.
So 2016 you’ve been a bastard of a year…but thank you, you will be one I never forget! x
nickyainley 